Jar of Hearts  The Magical Bloodsucking Pirates
by xXCassieDarkAngelxX
Summary: In this choir-like experience Jack attempts to direct vampires, wizards, and pirates into singing Jar of Hearts and has some wacky and hilarious trouble!


Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, or Twilight. If I did I would be married to William Turner, Cedric Diggory, and...well no one from Twilight haha. Seeing as this is true, you can obviously see I don't own any of those things I listed above.

In a large stage a group of unusual people-er-things gathered. At the front of the stage a pirate, a captain from the looks of it, was drinking a bottle of rum. This captain was known to everyone as… Jack—I mean Captain Jack Sparrow. Smiling drunkily he gazed upon his-er-unique choir. There was an odd boy with a purple scar, a red headed teenager looking perplexed, a girl with bushy hair that looked like she could correct everything, an incredibly old and bearded man, a ghost who was playing with his nearly headless head, a snake-like man, a sparkly looking eunuch, a desperate brown haired girl, and his own pirate mateys and other friends. He cleared his throat, "Ahem." "It's Umbridge, oi Toadface!" cried the red headed teenager pulling out a strange stick and shooting blue light out of it at him. Jack barely missed it. "OI! I am not an Umbridge, nor do I know what one is!" cried Jack angrily, "Somebody get me a leading stick…thingie!" he yelled. Nobody moved. Cotton's bird swooped down and stole the red headed teenager's stick squawking "Leading stick!" Jack smiled and took the stick. It exploded with his touch. "Bugger," grumbled Jack, dusting the ashes off of his face. The red head looked gravely at the remains of his stick. "My wand," he cried aghast. "You foul, filthy, pirate!" cried bushy hair as she thrust out her magical stick and starting saying strange words and colorful lead was shot at him. It was mass chaos. The people with the light-making sticks started shooting everywhere, sparkly was taking off his shirt and was using his body as a shield to the vulnerable brown haired girl (So pale and twig-like…thought Jack), and his mates were running around the stage with their swords swearing. "ENOUGH!" screamed Jack. Frozen, everybody looked at him. "I AM IN CHARGE AND I WANT YOU TO SING THE BUGGERIN' SONG!" Order was restored. Jack started waving his hands in a graceful-sort of manner.

_I know I can't take on more step towards you_

Sang a girl with the sparkly man on her t-shirt. Another girl, glaring furiously at her with a picture of a tanner more buff boy on her shirt shrieked "I can!" and pushed the other girl off of the stage.

_Cause all that's waiting is regret_

Sang his strange choir.

_And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore_

Sang the ghost crying so hard his head was hanging on by its hinges it seemed and he was unable to restore its proper position.

_You lost the love I loved the most_

_I learned to live half alive_

Sang the ugly brown haired girl with such a terrible voice Cotton's parrot dropped dead. "I'm coming back at the end of New Moon and by Breaking Dawn you're a vampire and we have a baby so don't whine Bella," whispered the sparkly eunuch into her ear. She looked stubborn and annoyed. "YOU SPOILED THE BOOK…DANGIT SHE MARRIES YOU—YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW IT THAT MEANS I CAN HAVE JACOB!" cried the other t-shirt girl. A helpless sob came from below the stage, "NOOOOO EDWARD YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN BELLA!"

_And now this song is taking a long time_

Sang Jack angrily under his breath.

_And who do you think you are_

_Running ' round leaving scars_

Sang the purple scared boy with glasses to the ugly snake-like man heartily.

Huh? Now Davy Jones appeared, tentacles and all.

_Collecting your jars of dirt_

Jack laughed merrily. "I've got a jar of dirt and guess what' inside it? He sang so only Davy Jones could hear. Davy Jones started to curse, but Jack was unaware because his old friend Will Turner entered in. "The real lyrics are…" he boomed.

_Collecting your chests of hearts_

"Good old eunuch Will!" cheered Jack.

_Tearing love apart_

Sang his wife, Elizabeth Turner glaring at Davy Jones.

Maybe he could make this choir work. Suddenly, the sparkly one cleared his throat and sang beautifully,

_You're gonna catch a cold_

_From the ice inside my soul_

"Will! Is he one of your eunuch friends" laughed Jack. Then, he heard the greatest voice of all. It was gentle yet firm.

_So don't come back for me_

_Who do you think you are?_

It was the bearded old man singing cheerily. Jack clapped. "Bravo! Encore!" he took a sip of rum. Then, before you could say "HOLY CHEESE WHEELS!" Jack was passed out drunk.

"Cap'n?"

"Is he dead?"

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up with a start. "That old man has a beautiful voice!" he cried. The crew looked at him warily. "Cap'n you were dreaming!" exclaimed Mr. Gibbs. "What was your dream about?" asked Cotton's parrot. Before Jack explained his dream, he knew his crew would think that was insane (well never mind, it would give them more reasoning to his insaneness) "Sea turtles, mate." He said merrily and suddenly, he looked down at his hand. A bottle of rum! Hoorah! Then Jack's heart sank. "What's wrong Cap'n?" asked the short, midget pirate he had on his crew that no one knew the name of. "But…" he began. "Yes Cap'n?" "But…" The crew edged a little closer. "BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE? IS THIS ELIZABETH'S DOING? DANGIT GIBBS SAIL US TO WHERE THERE IS SOME RUM!" screamed Jack as he stormed off, leaving the crew utterly confused and rumless.

Please review! I will supply Rum, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, and a dinner of Mushroom Ravioli & Coke.


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